Rage, Division, and Control: Understanding Malignant Narcissism in Leadership
- Mike Cruz
- 2 days ago
- 9 min read
A Guide for Protecting Yourself Across Corporate, Family, and Community Settings
You've likely seen the term "malignant narcissism" in recent headlines. The New York Times, Lawfare, and HuffPost have all featured mental health experts discussing this pattern. While much coverage focuses on political figures, I'm seeing this same dynamic play out in different settings across boardrooms, family businesses, nonprofit organizations, and social groups to chilling effect.
As a corporate leader with over three decades in the trenches and as an executive leadership coach who's worked with over 350+ leaders across 20+ industry domains, I want to help you recognize these patterns that can protect yourself and those you care about.
Leading mental health experts have been sounding alarms. Dr. John Gartner, who taught at Johns Hopkins Medical School for 28 years and founded "Duty to Warn," specializes in this area. Dr. Bandy X. Lee, who taught at Yale for 17 years and now works with Harvard's Program in Psychiatry and the Law, has written extensively about dangerous leadership. Dr. Lance Dodes, retired from Harvard Medical School and now practicing in Los Angeles, contributed crucial insights on the sociopathic elements.
These aren't fringe voices. They're respected clinicians worried about what happens when certain personalities meet unchecked power.
What We're Really Talking About
First, an important note: "malignant narcissism" isn't an official diagnosis in the DSM-5. It's a clinical construct. A way of describing a particularly destructive cluster of personality traits. You're not diagnosing anyone by recognizing these patterns. You're observing behavior that affects you.
Regular narcissism involves ego, image management, and needing validation. We all know someone like this. Malignant narcissism goes much further. It combines grandiosity with antisocial behavior, paranoia, and sadistic tendencies. The key difference? These individuals lack both conscience and empathy, as Dr. Dodes notes. They don't just want to win. They need you to lose.
The Warning Signs: Specific Behaviors to Watch For
Here are the most consistent patterns I've observed across corporate, family, social, and community contexts:
Explosive Rage Over Minor Issues
The CEO who screams at an assistant for a scheduling conflict. The parent who destroys a family holiday over seating arrangements. The community leader who launches a smear campaign against someone who asked a clarifying question. The response is always disproportionate to the trigger.
This isn't just anger. It's rage designed to punish and intimidate. It sends a message: "Don't ever question me again."
Constant Need for Attention and Validation
Every meeting must center on them. Every family gathering becomes their performance. Every social event requires their spotlight. They can't tolerate being anything less than the center of attention.
What's telling? Their distress when attention shifts to others. They'll interrupt, redirect, or create drama to reclaim focus. The board member who can't let colleagues complete presentations. The family member who creates emergencies during others' celebrations.
Spreading Hate and Division
They target individuals or groups with sustained hostility. In corporations, they create "in-groups" and "out-groups." In families, they designate scapegoats. In communities, they rally people against common "enemies."
Watch for dehumanizing language. "Those people are the problem." "That department is worthless." "Anyone who thinks differently is an idiot." This isn't disagreement. It's systematic devaluation designed to consolidate power.
Triangulation: Pitting People Against Each Other
This is perhaps their most sophisticated tactic. They deliberately create conflict between others to maintain control. The executive who tells one direct report that another is "gunning for their job."
The parent who shares different versions of the same story with each sibling.
The volunteer coordinator who warns each team member that others are complaining about them.
The result? People who should be allies become suspicious of each other. Meanwhile, the narcissist remains the only constant relationship for everyone. Pure manipulation.
Gaslighting: Making You Doubt Reality
"That meeting never happened." "I never said that." "You're remembering wrong."
"Everyone else understood perfectly."
They rewrite history to maintain their narrative. You check your notes and find you were right. Doesn't matter. By the end of the conversation, you're apologizing for being confused. This systematic reality distortion is core to their control.
Zero Empathy or Remorse
They cause genuine harm and feel nothing.
The executive who destroys careers feels only satisfaction.
The family member who tears apart relationships shows no guilt.
The community leader who ruins reputations experiences no remorse.
Sometimes they'll say the words "I'm sorry." But watch their behavior. It doesn't change.
Because they're not actually sorry. They're managing perceptions.
Sadistic Enjoyment of Others' Pain
This is the element that makes malignant narcissism particularly dangerous.
They don't just lack empathy. They derive pleasure from causing distress.
The executive who publicly humiliates subordinates and seems energized afterward.
The family member who seems most alive when delivering devastating news.
The volunteer leader who enjoys watching people squirm.
There's a cruelty that goes beyond strategic advantage.
How This Plays Out in Different Settings
Corporate Context
The senior leader who takes credit for team successes but blames individuals for any failure.
Who makes strategic decisions based on personal vendettas rather than business logic.
Who creates competing factions within departments to maintain power. Who punishes whistleblowers and rewards enablers.
Result: Talented people leave. Innovation dies. Fear replaces trust. The organization suffers while the narcissist consolidates control.
Family Context
The family member who rewrites family history to maintain their hero or victim status.
Who triangulates siblings against each other.
Who punishes anyone who questions the family mythology.
Who creates coalitions and outcasts. Who seems energized by family conflict.
Result: Adult children who can't have direct relationships with each other. Holiday gatherings filled with tension.
Family members who walk on eggshells.
Relationships controlled through manipulation rather than love.
Social and Community Context
The volunteer leader who turns every community issue into a battle between "us" and "them."
Who spreads rumors about perceived rivals.
Who punishes dissent and rewards blind loyalty.
Who claims to speak for "the community" while actually serving their own agenda.
Result: Community organizations that become cults of personality. Talented volunteers driven away. Mission drift as everything becomes about the leader. Division where there should be collaboration.
Self-Assessment Tool
Rate each behavior on a scale of 0-4. Be honest. This tool works only with honesty.
0 = Never or not at all
1 = Rarely
2 = Sometimes
3 = Often
4 = Consistently
Explosive rage over minor criticisms or slights
Requires constant admiration and attention
Believes they're superior and deserve special treatment
Shows no genuine empathy for others' feelings
Uses people to achieve goals; discards when no longer useful
Lies or deceives routinely without remorse
Extremely suspicious; sees threats everywhere
Bears grudges indefinitely; seeks revenge
Spreads hatred or division against specific groups
Triangulates; pits people against each other
Uses intimidation or threats to control
Deliberately humiliates others, especially publicly
Seems to enjoy others' pain or distress
Gaslights; makes you doubt your perceptions
Rewrites facts to maintain their narrative
Projects their negative traits onto others
Splits people into "all good" or "all bad"
Demands absolute loyalty; punishes perceived disloyalty
Exaggerates achievements; expects recognition without merit
Acts impulsively without regard for consequences
Your Score (Total: 80 points)
0-20 points: Low concern. Normal range. Everyone has some self-interest.
21-40 points: Moderate concern. Some narcissistic traits present. Could be situational stress. Watch for patterns over time.
41-60 points: High concern. Significant malignant features. This relationship likely requires strong boundaries. Consider professional consultation.
61-80 points: Severe concern. Strong malignant indicators. If assessing someone else: likely dangerous to your wellbeing; develop exit strategy. If self-assessing: seek specialized professional help immediately.
If You See These Patterns in Yourself
First, the fact that you're asking this question matters. Deeply entrenched malignant narcissists rarely question themselves. Your awareness is valuable.
But I need to be direct with you.
Change requires specialized professional help. Not executive coaching.
Not leadership training.
You need a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders. Someone with experience treating narcissistic patterns.
The work ahead involves:
Deep exploration of where these patterns originated
Accountability structures where people can call you out without retaliation
Daily empathy exercises that will feel mechanical at first
Accepting that some relationships won't survive
Monitoring for substitution (where one destructive pattern replaces another)
This is years of uncomfortable work.
Your brain will offer constant reasons to quit.
That resistance is the pattern protecting itself. But if you stay with it, you might discover a version of yourself that doesn't need to diminish others to feel substantial.
If You're Dealing with Someone Who Shows These Patterns
As a coach, here's what I've seen work:
Document Everything
Dates. Times. Exact words when possible. Witnesses. This is your anchor against gaslighting. When someone makes you doubt your memory, documentation becomes your reality check. Keep it factual. Keep it safe. Keep it accessible.
Set Specific, Enforceable Boundaries
"I won't engage in conversations where I'm being insulted." "I need 24 hours notice for meetings." "I won't discuss other team members when they're not present." Then enforce these boundaries. Every single time. Expect escalation. They often treat boundaries as attacks. Hold firm anyway.
Maintain Outside Connections
These relationships are isolating by design. Resist. You need people who affirm your reality. Who remind you of your worth. Who can see clearly when you're being manipulated. Don't let the narcissist become your only source of validation.
Limit Emotional Investment
You cannot have a genuine emotional relationship with someone who lacks empathy. Stop expecting them to "see" you. Stop hoping they'll validate you. Stop thinking this time will be different. If you must maintain contact, manage it transactionally. Protect your emotional core.
Have an Exit Strategy
Whether it's a job, a relationship, a family dynamic, or a community role—have a plan.
Know your rights. Build your resources. Identify your allies.
Document what you need to document. Hope you never need it. But have it ready. Because the moment you become dispensable or inconvenient, escalation can be swift and vicious.
What I Want You to Remember
You cannot fix this in someone else. You cannot love them into health. You cannot perform well enough to earn their respect. This isn't about you.
What you can do: Recognize the pattern. Protect yourself. Get support from people who understand. Make informed decisions about continued engagement.
Your job isn't diagnosis. Your job is self-protection. Trust what you're experiencing. You're not imagining it. You deserve better.
A Final Word
I know this has been difficult reading.
If you recognized someone in these pages—or if you recognized yourself—you're probably feeling a range of emotions right now.
That's normal. That's human.
Here's what I want you to know. You have more power than you think.
Even in situations that feel hopeless, you have choices.
Document what's happening.
Set boundaries. Reach out for support. Build your exit strategy.
Take one small step at a time.
If you're in a corporate setting and seeing these patterns in leadership, remember: organizations can change. Boards can act. HR can intervene. Documentation matters. Your voice matters. You don't have to fight this battle alone.
If this is happening in your family, know that protecting yourself isn't betrayal.
Setting boundaries isn't cruelty. Limiting contact isn't failure.
You can love someone from a distance while keeping yourself safe.
You can honor the good memories while acknowledging the harm.
If you're navigating this in a community or social setting, remember: healthy communities don't revolve around one person's ego.
You have permission to walk away from groups that have become cults of personality.
You can find other communities that value collaboration over control.
And if you saw yourself in these pages—if you're brave enough to ask whether these patterns might describe you—I'm genuinely proud of that courage.
Most people never get there.
That self-awareness is the first step toward becoming the leader, family member, or community member you want to be.
Get help. Stay with it. The work is hard, but you're worth it.
Whatever your situation, remember this: You're not alone. Thousands of people are navigating these same dynamics.
Mental health professionals understand these patterns. Support groups exist. Resources are available.
Help is real.
Your instincts brought you to this article. Trust those same instincts to guide your next steps.
You know more than you think you know. You're stronger than you've been told. And you absolutely have the right to protect yourself and those you love.
Take care of yourself. You matter.
Expert References
Leading Clinical Authorities:
Dr. John Gartner, PhD
Psychologist and psychotherapist in private practice (Baltimore and Manhattan). Former assistant professor at Johns Hopkins University Medical School (taught for 28 years until 2015). Founder of "Duty to Warn." Expert in malignant narcissism, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Author of The Hypomanic Edge. Contributor to The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump.
Dr. Bandy X. Lee, MD, MDiv
Forensic and social psychiatrist. Taught at Yale School of Medicine and Yale Law School for 17 years (2003-2020). Now affiliated with Harvard Program in Psychiatry and the Law. President of the World Mental Health Coalition. Co-founder of the Violence Prevention Institute. Editor of The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump: 37 Psychiatrists and Mental Health Experts Assess a President (New York Times bestseller). Author of comprehensive textbook Violence: An Interdisciplinary Approach to Causes, Consequences, and Cures.
Dr. Lance Dodes, MD
Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Retired assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Training and Supervising Analyst Emeritus at Boston Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Currently on faculty at New Center for Psychoanalysis (Los Angeles) and in private practice. Expert on addiction, sociopathy, and personality disorders. Contributor to The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump. Author of The Heart of Addiction and The Sober Truth.
Recommended Reading:
The Dangerous Case of Donald Trump (ed. Bandy X. Lee)
The Hypomanic Edge (John Gartner)
Rethinking Narcissism (Craig Malkin)
Disarming the Narcissist (Wendy Behary)
Violence: An Interdisciplinary Approach (Bandy X. Lee)
Additional Sources:
[1] Medical News Today: Malignant Narcissist Definition and Signs
[2] HelpGuide: Malignant Narcissist Symptoms and Treatments
[3] Wikipedia: Malignant Narcissism Overview
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